Cheers!
by Phoenix13
Summary: A silly fic involving Optimus Prime, Rodimus Prime, Ultra Magnus and Springer having a meaningless conversation in a bar (some adult sexual references).


CHEERS!  
  
Inside a small local bar in Iacon, the elite officers of the Autobot Army are enjoying some extremely rare 'boys time'; or in the case of male TF's, 'mech time'.  
  
Rodimus, Optimus, Magnus and Springer sit in a circle around a table towards the back of the crowded room, chuckling over Optimus' laptop which sits in the middle of the table.  
  
The screen of the laptop is showing the latest edition of the Universal Digi News (Intergalactic edition). Written on the front page in large letters is;  
  
- GALVATRON IMPOTENT, SHUNNED BY FEMMEBOTS -  
  
The article was accompanied by a small photo of Galvatron conversing with a well known Interfacing Specialist doctor.  
  
Rodimus was alternating between giggling and guffawing. Optimus (maskless) was grinning like a rabid monkey. Springer was mimicking Galvatron's pose in the photo, and mouthing words of what the conversation would've been.  
  
Springer: dramatic sigh, with hand to forehead, in a girly voice "Oh doc, its just awful, I can't get a femme by money or threatening to blow their heads off. Of course, I wish they'd blow MY head off."  
  
Ultra Magnus had his head laid on his folded arms on the table, trying to control his rabid laughter and to stop the tears of lubricant from running down his cheeks.  
  
Optimus covered his face with one hand, laughing hard, and motioned Springer to continue. Rodimus had resorted to making small squeaks and pointing helplessly at Springer.  
  
The Triple Changer leaned in towards Magnus and folded his hands demurely in his lap, a serious expression on his face, "I expect we'll have more Decepticon attacks from this. Are you sure Metroplex is capable of handling a sexually frustrated; and lets not forget, *permanently limp*, Galvatron?"  
  
Magnus' body shook with restrained hysteria.  
  
After the giggling and raucous chuckling died down, Rodimus sat back, took a long slurp of his drink and burped. "Oooo, sorry. 'Scuse me."  
  
Optimus gave him a slightly withered look with a sloppy grin, "Rodi, thats disgusting."  
  
Rodimus smirked, "That doesn't even rate on the disgust-o-meter. I had an email from Daniel yesterday. He translated our names from Earth latin into Earth english, and Primus, what our names translate into is X rated!"  
  
"Hmmm?" Optimus quirked an optic, "I already know. We're all 'great' something or other. I think I'm perfect prime or something like that."  
  
"Yes, but have you heard what 'Ultra Magnus' means?" Rodi said with a serious smirk. Magnus gave him a curious look.  
  
"Small dick?" Springer suggested. The City Commander took a swipe at him.  
  
"Ultra Magnus means 'very great'." Optimus said calmly, taking a sip of his drink and eyeing Rodimus off over the rim.  
  
"Thanks, don't mind if I am." Magnus responded, nodding politely at Op.  
  
"Small dick!!" A rather drunk Springer demanded, rapping his hand on the table.  
  
Rodimus grinned, "I think Dano must've been pulling my tailpipe. Thats exactly what he said Magnus' name meant."  
  
"WHAT!" Magnus' looked shocked. Optimus guffawed.  
  
"But of course, I know better, don't I Mags?" Rodimus puckered his lips and made kissy-kissy noises in Magnus' direction. Magnus looked affronted.  
  
Springer backtracked, "Big dick?" he suggested. Magnus took another swipe. "Hey!" Springer exclaimed.  
  
Rodimus leaned low to the table and gave Optimus a slanty-eyed look.  
  
"What?" Prime asked.  
  
"Elita One has a meaning too." Rodimus pursed his lips together.  
  
Optimus looked unsure, "What? I thought it was 'Elite' one."  
  
"Big dick?" Springer suggested again. He ducked, expecting Magnus to swing his fist again, but Magnus only grinned and sat very still in his chair with one hand under the table. Springer suddenly shrieked and fell out of his chair. The others stared at him and Magnus lifted his hand up, "You forgot this." He was clutching Springer's codpiece between his fingers.  
  
Springer swiped it back and quickly replaced it, scuttling around and taking a seat on the opposite side of the table.  
  
"What did he say about Elita?" Optimus prompted Rodimus, giving Springer and Magnus' little stand-off only a passing look.  
  
Rodimus grinned widely, "Elita One means 'best big ones'."  
  
Springer sat up, his drink wobbling in one hand, "Big boobs!" he said brightly, laughing.  
  
Magnus picked up his drink, leaned across the table and poured it over Springer's head. It didn't stop the Triple Changers mad grin, the drink trickling down his cheeks and neck.  
  
Optimus looked a bit peeved. "I wish......" he grumbled.  
  
"What?" Magnus asked curiously, "her breastplate looks large enough to me."  
  
"So says the one who has a femme with whopper breasts," Rodimus said snidely. Magnus gave him a frown and turned back to Optimus.  
  
"Her chestplate makes you think she's very endowed, but she's on the small side. Most of whats under the plate is hollow." Optimus said slowly. "Not that it matters to me, of course."  
  
Springer sat thoughtfully, looking like he was thinking hard of something to say to that, but he was a wee bit overloaded with energon. His mouth was short-circuited.  
  
"She wants to get them enlarged," Optimus spoke, shrugging his shoulders. Springer gave him a consoling pat on the shoulder.  
  
"So, Rodi, what *about* Phoenix's breasts?" Magnus leaned towards Rodimus, giving him a hard look.  
  
Rodimus gave a sloppy grin, "Oh come on Mags, she packs quite a punch in the bust department."  
  
Springer still couldn't get his mouth to work properly so he nodded vigorously in agreement, his head bouncing like a spring-mounted nodding dog in the rear window of a car.  
  
"Not quite as much as that rogue young femme Blackarachnia." Optimus said with a smirk.  
  
"Oh right, so NOW it comes out, you like femmes with big boobs!" Rodimus accused Optimus. The Autobot Commander tried to avoid meeting Rodi's optics, but he nodded vaguely.  
  
"Boobs!" Springer squeaked excitedly. His optics flickered madly.  
  
Optimus stared at his Aerial Commander. "Springer, I think you've had too much energon."  
  
Magnus smirked, "You're just figuring that out now? Op, there's an easy no-fuss test you can use if Springer seems overenergised." He turned to Springer, "Springer has a small dick, yes?"  
  
Springer giggled and nodded happily, "Yup!"  
  
"See, he says 'yes' to anything. He's sloshed." Magnus explained.  
  
"But he doesn't *have* a small one," Rodimus leaned into Optimus and murmured conspiratorially, while a sleek barely covered waitress picked up their empty glasses from the table, "I saw a list the femmes made up of who the largest mechs are. He's at the top."  
  
"You *what*?" Optimus blinked.  
  
"Don't worry," Rodimus waved a hand, "from memory you were fourth or fifth, I think."  
  
There was silence for a while as Optimus opened and shut his mouth a few times. Rodimus gave him an unconcerned blink, then said, "So, like, do you want to vote on which femme has the biggest pair of tits or what?"  
  
Optimus roared with laughter. Magnus shrank back and stared at him. Springer didn't have a clue what Oppy and Rodi were laughing about, but he laughed too since Rodimus said 'tits'.  
  
It was getting late and the bar was slowly emptying of customers. The bartender slowly wiped down a few tables, trying to act like he wasn't listening in when he really was.  
  
Rodi and Optimus were scribbling down notes on a scrap datapad about femme breast sizes, with a curious but shy Magnus watching on. Springer grabbed Optimus' laptop and got onto the Earth internet connection.  
  
Sniggering, he typed in 'TITS' to a search engine and was rewarded with a listing for thousands of sites. He giggled and Magnus finally took notice of what the Triple Changer was doing, and tilted his head to see what was on the screen.  
  
"Springer, what are you doing - HOLY PRIMUS!" Magnus gawked despite himself. Springer had found a site full of naked human women with the biggest breasts Magnus had seen (on any carbon organism from several galaxies!). One woman had boobs where each breast was twice as big as her head.  
  
"Turn that off!" Magnus hissed, making a grab for the laptop.  
  
"Mine!" Springer squeaked, yanking it onto his lap and trying to hide it in the shadow of his bulky chest.  
  
"Actually, MINE~!" Optimus spoke sternly, taking his laptop back with one quick swipe. He plunked it back on the table in front of him - then his optics went over-wide when he saw the screen.  
  
"Oh my god..." Optimus couldn't believe what he was seeing. He thought it was impossible for humans to have their body parts 'adjusted' to such a horrific extent.  
  
Rodimus eyed it. "Oh yeah, I've seen her before. Jessie Juggs I think she's called. Interesting, huh?"  
  
"*Interesting*?! Thats.....thats....how can she DO that? Doesn't it hurt?" Optimus asked, peering at the screen. Then he jerked his gaze back to Rodimus, "And what do you mean you know her?"  
  
"Oh, ummm...." Rodimus vainly tried to think of how to explain he surfed the humans sex sites. He finally gave up and shrugged with a weak smile.  
  
Springer pointed at the screen and made flapping motions with his arms, "Phoenix!" he spoke, then used his hands to make cupping motions of breasts on his chest.  
  
Magnus narrowed his optics, "THAT is nothing *like* Phoenix!" he growled.  
  
"Watch it Springer," Optimus said jokingly, "I'm sure the femmes don't want to hear you've been knocked off the biggest interface list after Mags has re-arranged your assets."  
  
"I wouldn't do that, but I hear the cleaning droids need a vacation." Magnus said slowly, glaring at Springer.  
  
"OooooOOoooO!" Springer chided, then burped. Rodimus Prime's optics blinked at Springer, then he yawned (although he tried to cover it by ducking his head down) and sank his head down onto the table on top of his folded arms.  
  
"Somebody's lacking energy," Optimus commented, eyeing off his subdued Co- Commander. Rodimus grunted back at him. Magnus also looked surprised at Rodimus' display of tiredness. They were all used to 'The Great Rodimus Prime's all night enthusiasm and zeal, it was rare to see him getting ready to recharge on a bar table.  
  
Springer plunked his head down next to Rodi's and said earnestly, "Oi, Rodi- poo, we go see naughty dancing femmes in another bar, hic, will that keep you awakesh?"  
  
Optimus Prime shook his head. Ultra Magnus merely tapped disapprovingly on the side of Rodimus' head with his knuckles. Rodimus slapped a hand at him, missed, and sat up, yawning.  
  
"We better get going home," Optimus remarked and stood up slowly, searching in his hip compartment for his facemask with one hand while dropping a few cred's on the table to cover the tab. He looked at Rodimus who sat slumped in his chair with bleary faded optics. Springer was still head down on the table and mumbling quietly to himself.  
  
The City Commander surveyed Rodimus and Springer. "I'll manage Greenie, if you can get Rodimus going again," he suggested. Optimus agreed with a nod. He'd much rather help a weary Rodi than handle a drunk and giggling Springer.  
  
Their echoing calls of 'Good night' and 'Seeya!' as they left the bar ended a pleasant night of socialising. Only the sound of Springer's forlorn wail "I want to see femmes!" and Magnus' response of "Oh shut-up Springer, you've got Arcee at home!" lingered in the air to mark their passing.  
  
END 


End file.
